42 
2 
This game was so bad it actually destroyed the life of the Atari 2600. The Atari 2600 had a game where General Custer raped Indians tied to cactuses, and THAT couldn't kill the system. Here's how E.T. did it: most of the gameplay was E.T. trying to escape from scientists and jumping into pits to find parts of his telephone. Once you were in a pit, that's when the fun began. If there was no chunk of telephone in the pit, which was only the case in 97% of them, you could leave by stretching out ET's neck until he slowly, SLOWLY floated up. This was the most satisfying part of the game since it looked like an invisible monster was trying to tear his head off.Gameplay Video:
When you make it to the top of the pit, which if you started in 1983 should be about... NOW, you have a fraction of a second window to immediately stop making ET's head stretch. This is important. If you miss it, he'll fall right back in and you have to start the floating process all over. Don't worry, practice and timing can make you a master of exiting a pit, and then you'll only fall back into the same one seven or eight times. Of course, that just means seven or eight more times the FUN!
Atari manufactured five million E.T. cartridges, and according to Atari's CEO, "nearly all of them came back." It got to a point where the world's children refused to take them for free. To put that into perspective, I've seen kids buy dead spiders from each other for a nickle. Calling this game a piece of trash is actually scientifically accurate because Atari eventually took their massive collection of useless E.T. cartridges and buried it in a New Mexico landfill. So if you ever lose your mind and want a copy of E.T., or maybe five million, grab a shovel and drive out to the desert. They're free.
-source: seanbaby.com
Prelude's rating: 
0 0 
Club Drive has all types of gameplay, but most of missions have you driving an RC car around a badly-rendered living room to collect glowing balls of string. What makes this unique from other string-collecting driving games is that the game doesn't care if you decide to drive directly through chair legs or walls. Not that the game cares if you hurry, but this can save you time. The only problem I found was that walls sometimes decided to behave like walls, and most of my games ended with my car driving through one side of the couch and somehow becoming trapped inside it for all eternity.Gameplay Video:
Running into things, when the game notices that you have, shows off Club Drive's most unique failure: physics. For example, if you nose dive a remote control car into the ground from the top of a table, you might expect it to break or at least bounce or something. Not in this game. Club Drive has invented its own bizarre set of rules where a high impact causes your car to levitate into the air, fly around for a little bit, flip over onto its wheels and gently float back down to the floor. It's hard to say whether it's a glimpse into the future of driving or just someone being an idiot.
-source: seanbaby.com
0 0 
"Fight for Life" is the story of eight dead people fighting in the "Spectre Zone," where the winner gets to face the son of the devil for a chance to come back to life. And judging by how well they fight, they're hoping to rise from the dead, so they can get back to their old jobs as Special Olympics equipment managers. And due to what I'm assuming was some kind of error, nobody told the guy in charge of making the backgrounds that the game was set in hell. The fighters will go from tropical jungles to Manhattan to Arizona.Gameplay video:
Most of your time in Fight for Life is spent waiting for your dead karate man to hobble across the screen to get close enough to throw a clumsy punch at the other dead karate man. The game is so slow it looks like the fighters glued their feet to the floor before the tournament, and have been dead long enough for rigor mortis to set in. The camera has its problems too. If the fighters ever manage to cross paths, it frantically flies around trying to keep your character on the left side of the screen. And when I say frantically, I mean over the course of 2 to 3 minutes. That means that when you finally manage to waddle over to your opponent and they decide to jump over your head, you get to take a nap and wait for the camera to finish before you can start the long walk over to where they landed. It's like watching two legless sleepwalkers play tag.
-source: seanbaby.com
4 1 
First off, this is a game about diabetes. And from the looks of it, it was put together not to educate children about diabetes, but to blatantly taunt their disease. It's the story of aliens coming to Earth and taking the form of sugary diabetes-promoting snacks who can only be stopped by Captain Novolin, a diabetic hero. And of course, you'd probably have been a lot happier if you'd never known that.Gameplay Video:
Since diabetic scientists haven't developed a raygun capable of defeating snacks, Captain Novalin only has one ability-- hopping. And since the control is so bad, he usually can't even do that right. Your main enemy is a bouncing donut, but unlike other games where enemies follow avoidable patterns, the donut is a crafty unpredictable genius. At random times while you're using your only move, jumping over him, he'll immediately change direction and slam into you with his deadly donut flesh. That means that even on the rare occasion when Captain Novolin jumps when you tell him to, it's completely up to fate whether or not you're safe from donut attacks. I can't stress enough how much this will piss you off.
Bonus Game: In between the two repeating levels of Captain Novolin, Speedboat Level and Non-Speedboat Level, there's a fun game where you have to inject yourself with the right amount of insulin. To do so, you have to select from several colors on your needle to match the color of your blood sugar. Don't worry, though. Getting it wrong doesn't have any consequence other than a funny noise and forcing the crushing acknowledgement that you can't even match two damn colors together in a moronic game based on a disease.Since most staying-alive tips come at the end of imposible levels, you would have to be a national video game olympic team member to get a significant amount of medical information from the game. It's not going to save any doctors or parents any time. For this game to have had any use whatsoever, there would have to be at least one pediatrician who left the education of a potentially deadly affliction up to an unplayable video game.
-source: seanbaby.com
1 0
Virtuoso is the story of the greatest Rock & Roll Mega Star in the 21st century who can't take the rock and roll lifestyle. So when he's alone and away from his rocking duties, he flees superstardom and escapes into the virual world of Virtuoso.
The game itself is a 3D shooter with a camera located directly behind your guy. That means that anything you could possibly want to shoot is hidden from site by your own rocker's greasy mop head. Like in all games that were made only to torture you, all the enemies (you manage to catch a glimpse of) are the same one creature repeated throughout the whole game. They sometimes try to trick you by slightly changing the spiders to look like crabs, or the bats to look like terrifying half-bat/half-seagulls. However, you'll draw the line when you fight your way through 300 spiders just to get to the level boss who ends up being the same spider graphic as all the others, blown up to eight times its size. And... when you kill it... it explodes into smaller spiders. Is the 3D0 trying to piss me off?
- source: seanbaby.com
The game itself is a 3D shooter with a camera located directly behind your guy. That means that anything you could possibly want to shoot is hidden from site by your own rocker's greasy mop head. Like in all games that were made only to torture you, all the enemies (you manage to catch a glimpse of) are the same one creature repeated throughout the whole game. They sometimes try to trick you by slightly changing the spiders to look like crabs, or the bats to look like terrifying half-bat/half-seagulls. However, you'll draw the line when you fight your way through 300 spiders just to get to the level boss who ends up being the same spider graphic as all the others, blown up to eight times its size. And... when you kill it... it explodes into smaller spiders. Is the 3D0 trying to piss me off?- source: seanbaby.com
5 5.8 
In Zelda: Wand of Gamelon, you play the princess. And as you know from better games, princesses are helpless little girls pining for prince wang in castles with bad security just waiting to get captured. Why would anyone want to play the part of that? It doesn't take a sociologist to know that they would be gay. Let's not fool ourselves-- they'd have to be super super gay. Now do the math on this: experts estimate that about 10% of the world is homosexual, and if you consider that only 5 people actually wanted a CDI machine, that means that this game was made specifically for a target audience of one half a person. I hope that half a person is happy, because this game probably got a few video game salesmen killed.Remixed video:
The gameplay is almost as deep and engaging as flipping from one option to the next on a DVD menu. Say for instance one person was playing Zelda: Wand of Gamelon, and another person was telling Terminator 2 to be played in French, then English, then French again, they'd both be having the same amount of fun. However, once the second person actually started watching Terminator 2 in French, they'd be having approximately 927,087 times more fun.
The CDI system was marketed as an educational device, and in many ways it was. If nothing else it taught you Lesson Number One: Don't spend $500 on worthless garbage.
- source: seanbaby.com
27 1.7 
The game starts with Superman trapped in Lex Luthor's virtual world. And you can tell Lex Luthor made it because only a genius super villain could make a world so expertly horrible and boring. This game might as well be called Puppy Dog Obedience School, because Superman doesn't get to do anything heroic. You spend almost the entire game performing whatever demeaning tricks that Lex Luthor demands. It's the classic villain plot "Make Superman fly through 75 hula hoops in one minute or die!" followed by the evil plan "Make Superman fly through 75 MORE hula hoops in one minute or again... die!" SPOILER ALERT! Level 2 is "Retrieving Lex's Slippers".Game review:
Superman looks a lot like a flying log in panties, and the entire world is covered in a dull green fog. The game calls this "Kryptonite fog," but it looks suspiciously like something they put there so they didn't have to draw more than a couple buildings.
This game exactly recreates the pain you'd feel if you really were Superman being tortured in a virtual world filled with radioactive poisonous gas.
- source: seanbaby.com
0 0 
Movies never quite translate into games correctly. White Men Can't Jump, the movie, was the definative film about high stakes street basketball gambling, and for the video game version of it, I was looking forward to fighting my way through the kingdom of the swamp people with a fire-basketball-throwing atomic Wesley Snipes. That's why it was so shocking that it's actually made the game about basketball. A game about basketball so bad that some electricity might refuse to power it.It's two on two basketball, which is is four players more than the programmers were ready to handle, and the camera has to constantly zoom in and out to keep all the players on the screen. I've found the game looks best if you zoom all the way out to somebody else's house where no one was stupid enough to buy an Atari Jaguar.
Gameplay video:
Thanks to the sloppy graphics and insane camera work, the hoop usually looks like a distant clump of Grape Nuts, so you can never tell whether you made a basket or not. The programmers seemed to know this, so to help you determine whether the ball went in, hardcore street basketball phrases appear at the top of the screen whenever you shoot. Unfortunately, the game developers must have hired 40 year old golfers at a French country club to write their hardcore street slang. When you throw up a shot, it screams nonsense like "BANGIN' UP HIGH THE HANDLE HOMEY BEEF!" Maybe that means that I made the shot or maybe it means "There is a tornado approaching the court, my friends. We should escape and your mother is a whore." I'll never know; the manual doesn't have a translation guide. So if like me, you don't come from whatever hip-hoppin' tough street that speaks this alien language, you have to try to decode "DOWN STREET ON THE FLIPFLOP TIMEPANTS!" on your own.
- source: seanbaby.com
16 4.2 
Atari 2600 owners had games about blowing up tanks, brushing their teeth, and Kool-Aid. It forces a person to demand, where were the games about General Custer rising from the dead to sexually assault Indian women? The company Mystique heard the public's demands and answered them with Custer's Revenge. In it, you lead Custer through a hail of arrows to hump a girl tied to a cactus on the other side of the screen. That's it. That's the whole game.With the stone-age graphics of the 2600, there really was no point in trying to make erotic games. Custer's Revenge looks less like sex and more like a couple slow dancing at a social for birth defected sea horses.
Gameplay video:
Even if you were turned on by a woman who looks like she was made out of cardboard boxes, she's still tied to a cactus. Two things that don't mix with adult entertainment are cactuses and rubbing your balls on cactuses. If Custer's Revenge assisted anyone in masturbation, they not only should be arrested for being a pervert lunatic, someone should tell them that it would be just as good if they were jerking off in front of Chopper Command.
- source: seanbaby.com
2 2 
This game is biblically horrific. You're overthrowing an oppressive world order. With Aerosmith. And music is your weapon. That scream of terror you just heard was probably you.Using your weapon, music, you'll fight a massive army of soldiers sent by the government to keep you from rocking. And since the artists were lazy, the army is made up entirely of a man in a yellow jacket and his several thousand identical twins. Also due to laziness, they're only animated to fire their guns and die. That means that while you're blowing chunks out of them, they seem have no idea. They don't even flinch.
The game has unlimited continues from the exact point you die, and it's still the most challenging game in the world. Continuing in this game is like electing to keep your hand on the stove. Maybe you're numb to the pain by now, but you're still pretty sure you're doing permanent damage.
You'll be in some rooms shooting a steady stream of unflinching identical men for ten minutes while the same four seconds of an Aerosmith song loop infinitely. "Feed the Rage! Feed the Rage! Feed the Rage!" That's not a game. That's a Nazi psychological test to see how much it takes for a prisoner's head to pop.
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